


waldosia

by deanssammy (babylxxrry)



Series: the dictionary of obscure sorrows [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Kinda, M/M, Stanford Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-06 00:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13399077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babylxxrry/pseuds/deanssammy
Summary: waldosia: n. [brit. wallesia] a condition characterized by scanning faces in a crowd looking for a specific person who would have no reason to be there, which is your brain’s way of checking to see whether they’re still in your life, subconsciously patting its emotional pockets before it leaves for the day.sam can't help it.





	waldosia

**Author's Note:**

> i would like to preface this with the warning that i haven't written anything in a week and i'm a bit rusty. this is decidedly not top-quality, but i wanted to get /something/ out.  
> also i was going to use the brit spelling "wallesia" but "waldosia" is more open and fits better in the aesthetic theme of this series ?idk  
> also i have too much love for stanford era oops

It keeps happening, and every time, Sam wants to smack himself.

This is the reason Sam ran, godddamnit. He needed to get away from everything, yet it keeps coming back to him.

Dean.

Sam keeps looking for Dean, keeps scanning the crowds of students around him every day, between every class and in every hallway. He knows Dean won’t be here, _shouldn’t_ be here, but he can’t seem to stop himself.

He catalogues every face unconsciously, starts to recognize people from all of the various cliques and clubs and times of day. The short blonde from English in the morning crosses paths with him on his way to lab. The lanky ginger with a smattering of freckles is always smoking something at noon and wandering around playing ukulele. The hot guy from the gym in the morning and chess club Wednesday evenings always meets up with his friend? boyfriend? brother? secret lover? at the north corner of the main quad.

None of them are Dean, though, and that’s simultaneously the most frustrating and relieving thing. Sam hates this constant seeking, this _craving_ to see his brother, even in passing, just something to reassure him that Dean’s alive, that he still matters to his brother, that Dean still loves him. It’s a relief that every moment he doesn’t see Dean, he can work on trying to break himself of the stupid, depraved crush on his brother he’s harbored for far too long.

God.

He hadn’t anticipated this, hadn’t thought he’d miss Dean this much. Not even because of the crush, rather in spite of it. He’d known that he’d miss Dean, but more in the sense of homesickness, the occasional sensation of missing familiarity, but nothing on this level of desperation. It’s a little ridiculous at this point, but Sam can’t stop it no matter how hard he tries. It’s like his brain won’t, _can’t_ rest until he sees Dean again. He doesn’t understand it, doesn’t understand exactly why he _needs_ his brother so badly. He supposes it’s a byproduct of growing up in each other’s pockets, working around each other in a practiced, fluid dance. He’s dancing a pas de deux alone now.

This is stupid. He’s stupid. His crush is stupid. If he’d save his energy and attention for things that actually mattered in the moment, maybe he’d be less exhausted. Maybe he’d stop thinking about Dean every waking moment. Maybe he’d get over himself faster.

And yet he keeps looking.

 

 

-fin.

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment or kudos if sam should just fess up


End file.
